


How to Sex Vol. 4-58

by Goldenrayofsunshine



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But really more like, Crack Treated Seriously, DESPITE THE TITLE THIS IS NOT EXPLICIT OR ADULT IN ANY WAY, Not RPF, Other, Post-Canon, Serious Subject framed as Crack, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Traumatized Tommyinnit (Video Blogging RPF), how to sex the novel, tubbo fuckin dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldenrayofsunshine/pseuds/Goldenrayofsunshine
Summary: "Put your armor in the hole. Could be a way to say. Use protection. It is important that everyone has safe sex. That is why I am writing this book. Also I do not know where babies come from."***Tommy's Mental Decline in Captivity, told through his own Magnum Opus.***If any part of this becomes canon you guys owe me ten dollars and, like, therapy
Comments: 51
Kudos: 135





	How to Sex Vol. 4-58

haha I miss hotter girl. There are no women in prison. Did you know your finger bones are only as strong as a carrot? Have a carrot. Calm yourself. 

Hot girl’s face got all rotted and shit. That was not attractive. It is hard to get girls in solitary confinement. But not impossible if you are a big man.

Why has Dream not murdered any women?

He must be a sexist.

Not me. Just killed a woman, feeling good.

Sex is like when you eat a big bowl of cereal. Because

I will escape like an action hero with explosions and shit. explode - hnnnn. Blow a big hole in the wall of…. I do not like holes.

That is a bad thing to say when you are having sex.

Tubbo. Tubbox. Tubbinabox. If you have a baby you don’t want you should leave it by the side of the road. That is called a teenage pregnancy.

Tubbo. Tubbox. Tubbox. Tubbox. Tubbo. Your Tubbo. He is not mine he is gone.

Put your armor in the hole. Could be a way to say. Use protection. It is important that everyone has safe sex. That is why I am writing this book. Also I do not know where babies come from.

You need to play the right music when you have sex. That is called setting the mood. Cat and Mellohi are the best. But if you don’t have those, you can use Able Sisters. That way the sex will not get copyright claimed.

Heros are supposed to get lots of pusssy.

But you can’t get pussy if you’re dead.

Sam is such a pussy that he is SCARED of pussies. Cats. Because he is a creeper man. He is also a Man in Uniform. Women are attracted to uniforms and I think that is strange.

All women are strange but I am not allowed to say that. Dream said that his country had infinite women but that is impossible so I think he is lying. Dream is a big liar.

Dream gave me a lot of books. I counted them I will be able to get to volume 58 of How To Sex series if I am still alive. He must want me to write so he can know how to get girls. I am going to swear lots.

(That is not how you get girls.)

Fuck.

There I ruined the book for him. aha. I hope he is not angry at me. I don’t care actually.

You can make someone be your friend if you take them away from everybody else and lock them up and make them feel helpless. If you are the only one who talks to them or feeds them.

(That is also not how you get girls).

Here is a list of things I can see: Lava. Piss Cauldron. Chest. IMPORTANT book. wall. floor. ceiling. Blood. blood. Blood. So much fucking blood. Big man. Lectern.

The clock is a girl but she does not want to be my friend.

I can’t access snapchat. Dream will keep my streaks for me.

Dream is my only snapchat friend my only friend. There is a yellow heart next to his name.

he lost my streaks. I’m gonna kill him

like he KILLED TUBBO. why does everyone kill Tubbo. That is not cool. That does not make women like you.

Button has the word “butt” in it. I pressed a button once and then terrible things happened. Men came out of the walls. 

Sex, drugs, and rock n roll. It is hard to rock out when somebody steals your fuckin vinyls. Can’t have shit in L’Manberg. I just wanted my discs.

Alexa how do i brew L S D. I don’t have a brewing stand. But I used to have all of them. I like drugs. Alexa is a woman I think. That is so sad. Alexa play Mellohi.

Sex is when you build a big tower all the way up to the clouds, and then say Fuck This.

Where did my shoe go? If Dream stole it I will be mad. Women love shoes. If girls see me like this they will say  _ L _ . Dream has no shoe game. He is wearing fake Yeezys. 

He stepped on me and it hurt. But that does not mean he is not a Loser.

If you eat too many beets your urine will turn pink. I eat lots of potatoes.

Beets are like potatoes because they get buried in the ground. Like… 

I can’t see the sun. Or hot girl her face is like the sun to me. Especially when I put a candle inside.

Here are some things to say when you are having sex: Get in the hole. YOU will get out of here alive. 

Or count down slowly from ten.

You should not hold a battle axe when you are talking to girls.

There are only two women in this country and they are dating each other. I think that is called passing the Bechdel Test.

I did not get a trial. That is kind of weirdChamp.

Somehow I will get married.

Marriage fraud is when you break out of prison.

Dream should be in prison, not me. He cheated on his speedrun. Also he is a child murderer.

For sex, you need a bed, a door, a roof, and either three bread or six beetroot in your inventory.

I have had so many girlfriends in my time. They come to visit me in jail and I tell them go away. I am writing my Big Man Memoirs.

Dream has eyes where his nipples should be and that is stupid. Nipple eyes. Women think that is very ugly.

If you give a woman flowers she will follow you around. That is one way women are like bees. Bees. bees

Tubbo liked bees. I miss Tubbo. It is good that he is not in jail though.

Dream locked me up in jail. And he took away my friends. And all the women. And my snapchat. I am clingy. So he thinks I will break into a million pieces. But I have books to write.

I am a big Author. I am famous just like Elon Musk. Someday I will escape and publish my book and make a billion dollars. That will make a pop star woman fall in love with me. She can do a cover of the discs.

It is very lonely here.

I am not broken.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This concept has fucking haunted me since Tommy's prison visit. Now you all have to suffer.  
> Serious fics coming shortly, I needed a break.
> 
> please leave comments please I crave serotonin.
> 
> This is short but was unbelievably hard to write from a technical perspective. Most of these lines came to me in my semiconscious state between sleep and waking. Help.


End file.
